Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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