she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
