You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Do vagina's smell?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
