I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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