is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He shit in the fireplace
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
