loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
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I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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