my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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