Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I cut my penus on the lid.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize