We won't sleep together?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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