its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
