I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
