So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
