Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
