everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
