whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
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Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
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Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless