I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
