I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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