we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
