And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
