your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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