All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
