So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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