you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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