I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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