i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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