I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
