All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
