New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
