..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
