I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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