ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
