Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
