please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
