Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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