Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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