if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
