holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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