she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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