omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
