I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
