It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
