she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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