Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Found your dick twin last night
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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