Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
