I wish I could teleport
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
