I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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