Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
