is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Randomize
