I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
