I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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