Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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