fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
