Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
