how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
