I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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