Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
