i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
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Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
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I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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